Saturday, March 2, 2013

I'm coming out...

For a twist, I am going to write all about me in this post.
How I am changing.
How I am growing.
How in my weakness, He gives me strength.

I am a girl who is used to taking care of myself.  If something needs to be done, I do it.  I just keep going.  I totally believe that people need help, and I am always there to help anyone anytime.
Guess what?
I never ask for help.
I never admit I need help.
I don't even know I need it most of the time.
I never realize that the weight of what I carry would joyfully be taken up by someone more equipped than I.  How emasculating it must be for my husband that I never rely on him for anything.  Oh, the destruction my pride has had on our relationship.  Because, "I GOT IT!"

This trip has taught me that I need help, I need to ask for it, and I need to accept it.

It started out with money.  Dear friends began raising funds to redeem my children.  That had never happened before.  Once here, dear friends bought tickets so my children and I could go to the circus.  Then it got even more personal.  My darling Vika started throwing tantrums.  She is naturally overwhelmed by everything that is going on and has some emotional breaks.  It is difficult to deal with in the apartment, almost impossible when out of it.  It is hard to say what will set one off, but the truth is, we need to leave these walls sometimes.  If you have ever been to Kiev, you know that while everyone walks everywhere, it is not the friendliest pedestrian terrain.  Ice, snow, mud, small lakes puddles, hills and cobble stone hamper the hardiest of souls.  Don't get me started on the traffic.
Try to navigate that while leading 3 children and carrying a screaming and thrashing 6 year old.
 When you are out of shape.
And possibly suffer from exercise induced asthma.  (seriously, I wheeze and cough for hours after carrying her up a hill and up the stairs to the apartment.  What is THAT all about?)
And then find out on Thursday that you will not be leaving on Tuesday as you had hoped, but instead you can pin your hopes on a possible Thursday flight.  I know that in reality it meant that we would leave less than 48 hours later than I had originally thought, but in my mind it screamed ANOTHER WEEK!
Another week to navigate potential public tantrums.
Another week to worry that your daughter is going to start vomiting again and possibly need to go to the hospital.
Another week to have same daughter talk to God knows who on the phone until all hours of the night, but not wanting to take the phone away because in 7 short days, her whole life is going to be ripped away.
Another week to wonder if same daughter is going to reach the last straw of her overly understanding attitude and loose it when the weight of her life change comes crashing down around her.
And here is me. standing here with my "I GOT IT" attitude, trying to figure out just how I am going to manage it.
Knowing in my heart that I can't.
I can't manage it by my self, but I didn't know how to let myself ask for the help I need.

So I'm coming out.

2 Corinthians 12:9-11

New Century Version (NCV)
But he said to me, “My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you.” So I am very happy to brag about my weaknesses. Then Christ’s power can live in me. 10 For this reason I am happy when I have weaknesses, insults, hard times, sufferings, and all kinds of troubles for Christ. Because when I am weak, then I am truly strong.

My name is Traci, and I am a prideful control freak who is here to say I need help.

I can't do this by my self.

Scott is getting on a plane today and will be here Sunday afternoon.
He will bring us home.
I don't know who is watching the kids.
I don't know if he's equipped them with Dasha's meds routine.
I don't know how he's paying for the ticket.
I don't have it.
But that's ok.
Someone else does.


Ruthanne said...

I am crying while I read this because this. is. me.
This adoption that I am in the middle/end of has brought me to my knees over and over and over as God has shown me that I have NONE of it and He has ALL of it. It is humbling and amazing and oh so hard.
I'm so glad that Scott is coming to get you,

Hansina said...

Thank you Traci! What a beautiful post of pure honesty! I feel like this most days. I'm so glad Scott is coming to bring you home!

Blessed said...

You may very well be all those things you are coming out about--good for you, because when out in the light they no longer have the same power over us! But you are also beautiful, and I am praying that God uses this to strengthen your bond with your husband and to remind you that He is strongest in your weakness.

Much love from CA

Debbie said...

Praying for your family! I am glad Scott will be with you!!
Debbie Wankel

Cathy said...

Praying for you, Scott and all your kids, both here and there!

Jennifer said...

Praying you home. Beautiful post.

Courtney Hill Photography said...
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Julia said...

Wish I could cross the ocean to help you!! So glad your knight in shining armor is on his way!!

Babs said...

Hugs- Hugs and More HUGS!
I am proud of my strong willed friend... who without~ so many would be very unhappy. You are strong to admit what you feel!!!
You are so very right that God provides strength. PHIL 4:13
I recall a similar instance in my own life (at the age of 10) when my newly divorced Mother had 'lost it'. My siblings and I looked at each other in horror- when Mom decided to take her dinner into the bathroom. She locked the door and said, "Mom is not here right now". We didn't know what to do- we all just waited outside that door... sitting for what seemed eternity (more like 10 minutes). Mom opened the door, handed us her dishes and promptly called "lights out!". We all ran into our bedroom laughing under our pillows...relieved... I don't think we ever were that rambunctious at the dinner table again :"D
Your dear husband can pickup/put back together anything. He has his act together when you need it most!
Give Scott a Hug from me too.
Love y'All~

ourukrainianadoption said...

Traci - Just wanted to drop a quick hello and tell you what a blessing it was to meet you in Ukraine. Though we only got to share a brief bit of the journey, we are so glad to have shared it with you, Scott, and your new four. Congrats on your newly expanded family, and I'm loving reading your blog!