When is it real?

I have recently been convicted that I cast someone who meant well in a bad light. I have edited this post to correct this. Forgive me for this oversight. Sometimes I get too invested in my own emotions to think clearly about how what I write may effect others.

During the adoption process, it is sometimes difficult for your child to seem real while the months between start to home drag on. I have pregnant friends who say that even as they can watch their stomachs protrude and they wear the carpet thin with pm trips to the bathroom, the fact that they will actually hold someone at the end of all this is not always clear. I guess no matter how you become a parent, you share many of the same feelings.
While it doesn't always feel real, real things are happening, both good and bad, and in our house, all the kids are privy to it. Things happen or do not happen that are beyond your control and sometimes you start to loose it. I hit a wall this week. Hit the wall and broke down.
It happened in the parking lot outside of our church's ministry center, right after my morning bible study. I had just submitted a prayer request thanking God that I was feeling so calm and praying for the people responsible for these last pieces of our paperwork to be done. I thought I was doing great.
Arrogant much?
Something that I had anticipated being completed much sooner was still not complete. It was finally supposed to be in my hands. On this day in particular, it became very aparent that it was NOT going to happen. I couldn't accept this fact and completely lost it right there in the parking lot. This breakdown resulted in swift action on the part of a number of people and I was finally able to get my hands on what I needed.
This episode WAS NOT PRETTY.
I WAS NOT PRETTY.
The subsequent post about it was definately NOT PRETTY.

I didn't really tell you this story to say poor me.
( you can if you want to though)

It was to share the really cool way if affected the other kids. I had been feeling horrible that they saw mom lose it like that.


They thought Mom's breakdown was awesome.


They have been watching me do paperwork, and make phone calls, and send emails and texts. Seeing these things take time from them.

Then they saw me cry.
Cry harder than they had ever seen me cry.

And it hit them.

This is all to bring their sister home.

This is not the first time mom has done this.

Mom worked that hard.
Fought that hard.
Cried that hard...
for ME too.

It became REAL to Biruk and Hanna and Mel, and even Sveta and Andy...

This is what love looks like.