Saturday, September 4, 2010

Change, Change, Change

When a new child comes into your home, everything changes. It is exciting and fun and thrilling and delightful, and exhausting, and depressing and dismaying.

Yep, I said it.

Exhausting.
Depressing.
Dismaying.

And I am not even talking about your child's transition. I am talking about yours. Mine. The parent's.

I am Excited.
I am having fun.
I am thrilled.
I am delighted.

I am exhausted.
I am depressed.
I am dismayed.

I am excited about the change God had in mind for my family. I am having fun with our new daughter and all the ways she completes our family in a way we didn't even know there were deficiencies. I am thrilled that God chose us. That we get to serve Him in this way and that I get to be Dasha's mom. I am delighted with everything about our life, our home, our family, our heavenly Father.

But I am also exhausted. When your life changes, it is exhausting. All the old patterns and habbits get disrupted. Your old comfortable groove is gone and you have to take the time to carve out a new groove. Until that groove is nice and deep, plan on being very, very tired.

I am depressed. I miss the old. I miss snuggling in bed until long past the time I should get up on a Saturday morning. I miss all my old indulgent habbits that I no longer get to indulge in. I am depressed that all the idosycracies that my husband has are still there. When I feel like I don't have a handle on things, all the little things that I normally suck up, frustrate me more than usual. All the "good enough for now" things that I deal with, I no longer have any patience for. I am suddenly sick of "good enough for now" and my poor spouse is left feeling like his wife has disappeared and a banshee has replaced her. Yes, it is very selfish of me. That would be why I am dismayed.

I feel dismay that even after all the Holy Spirit brought me through, all my deep spiritual growth that I so value having experienced, I am just another Israellite complaining in the wilderness about food and water. All of a sudden, only perfection is good enough for me. You know, because I am so perfect.

Yep. Change is hard and discouraging and depressing. If you aren't careful, it can blind you to the beautiful transformation that God has planned for you. You can miss the delight, the thrill, the fun and the excitement of living in God's will and you can climb right out of His perfect peace.

Oh Lord,
guard my heart. Keep my eyes on you. Help me delight in your gifts and be broken over what breaks your heart. May I always be a vessel used in your work and please, keep me in your perfect peace.
Amen.

8 comments:

positivelyorphaned.org said...

I keep hearing over and over again how the first 3-6 months home are beyond difficult on so many levels. Hoping for peace for you until you find the deep groove.

MoonDog said...

change is so so hard in general! do you know it takes a good 6 weeks just to change a habit? ANY habit? imagine the time it takes to feel at peace with your entire life in upheaval! I am in the same place. Feeling the same way. while I am thrilled to have these kids to call MINE and I love them to bits I am tired of cleaning up messes and someone constantly needing something and my inability to explain the way things work to help them change their ways as well. dishes oh gosh I am tired of dishes! they pile up fast! no dishwasher except for ME in a house with 12 people is tough! I am up every night with the boys who dont sleep while my husband sleeps peacefully and cant understand why I am exhausted at night and dont want to go for a walk with him. I am sure the kids all think I am a witch because I am always telling them what to do or telling them no. ok Natasha is on clothing change number 5 for the day this alone might send me over the edge!

Megan said...

Change IS hard...I second that! After I had my first son, I had postpartum depression and could have easily wrote something similar to your post. I was feeling like too much in my world had changed too fast and I didn't like it. I had to constantly remind myself that nothing worthwhile comes easily. Give yourself time because all these new changes in your life ARE big, but they will soon become normal to you. You are in my prayers.

Julia said...

I'm not looking forward to being in your shoes in a month or so. This part is hard enough.... I want the rest to be romantic and wonderful!!

traci said...

Ahhh... romantic and wonderful. That's the thing. Adoption is a dream for so long that it is impossible to factor in reality. That's what makes it a dream.

I have been through this with every adoption. I love every one of them and would do it again every time and will most likely do it again.
It just kicks my butt every time.

"Violet" said...

Hello Traci,

I appreciate the honesty in your post. Soon things will fall into place; but most importantly, I hope you can find a little bit of time for yourself. Best Wishes!

Zack & Jennifer Dove said...

I totally relate to this post. We are so thankful that God led us to adopt and are thankful for the beautiful boy that we added to our family this time around. But it can be hard, too. Praying that God gives you the patience and peace you need for each day. People tell me one day at a time. But sometimes all I can do is take one moment at a time. And I thank my Father for getting me through each of those moments!

Jenn in Georgia

Babs said...

God's given you all you need... However<-
1. Are you drinking enough water?
2. Are the kids Also Enjoying a daily 20 minute "kick it back and relax it" time? (I remember a time when you had 2 kids reading on their beds for a quick respite)
3. Romance...???
4. Pampering...???
5. Make-ahead meals.(where's that crock-pot!)
6. Eliminate the un-necessary/ hectic kid schedule things for a few weeks... put the Romance back in and you will have a smile on your face in no time.

(Now really->Y'all aren't far from a Sybarus :D)
Luv ya!